Goodbye, Love
by primchait
Summary: There's something ironic about the way it all ends. In which Kyle pines and Jimmy is a dick.


There's something ironic about the way it all ends.

It starts with the two of them, younger and lighter than they are now. The bright lights of the stage were heavy, blinding and as they sat together, Jimmy grinned and Kyle could barely make out the glint of his teeth under the brilliance of it all.

Kyle raised his eyebrows a little. "So that went pretty well."

"Pretty well? That was amazing!" Jimmy tilted his head back to huff out a euphoric laugh. "Can you believe it? This is everything we've ever wanted."

Kyle turned his head to meet Jimmy's eyes. Jimmy was practically glowing, his eyes bright and hopeful and there was a different sort of smile there that Kyle hadn't seen in a long, long time. _Everything we've ever wanted,_ his mind echoed. Something in his chest swelled and threatened to spill over, like a flood in a paper cup. It came out as a watery smile instead.

"Yup," he managed to get out. Jimmy crinkled up his nose and nudged Kyle's shoulder playfully. "Hey, lighten up! I didn't know you were such a sap."

Kyle shoved Jimmy back, sniffling and beaming at him. "Take that shit-eating grin off your face, Collins."

They sat together, shoulders touching, for what felt like the rest of the night. The something in Kyle's chest still lingered, feeling hollow and whole at once.

 _Everything._

The two of them had gotten too close. Far, far too close. Kyle supposed it's just a side effect of being partners, roommates, and best friends to boot. Secretly, he was terrified of what would happen without their closeness. _Jimmy is_ , and he thought it as gently as possible, _an open garbage fire._ Kyle knew it wasn't his fault, what with his fucked-up childhood and all, but still, he thought, smiling a little smugly as he looked down at Jimmy, _what would he do without me?_

He and Jimmy were curled up on their tiny, stupidly beige couch watching the third or fourth Disney film of the night.

And god, they're both so drunk. Well, mostly Jimmy. _At least he didn't go for the body shots this time,_ Kyle thought, and he shuddered.

Jimmy had always been a touchy drunk, and he'd tucked himself right beside Kyle, his head tipping dangerously closer to Kyle's shoulder. Kyle's chest ached familiarly, and he told himself, _Not tonight. Don't fuck it up._

As gently as he could, Kyle pushed Jimmy off of him. "Hey, you gotta get up," he whispered.

Jimmy groaned. "Ughhhh." He pointed at the screen rather vaguely and mumbled, "Why are you so mean to meeeee? Why don't you love me like that?" The last few words were muffled as Jimmy decided to mash his face into the seat of the couch.

Kyle stifled a laugh and smiled all too fondly back at him. The hollowness in his chest yawned widely, and the words spilled out of his mouth unsolicited. "Oh, if only you knew."

He froze, clapping a hand to his mouth automatically.

 _He'll be too drunk to remember anything in the morning anyway,_ Kyle reassured himself. And maybe he was a lot drunker than he thought because he believed himself. Shaking his head, he slid off the couch to get some blankets. As he tucked Jimmy in, he threw aside his inhibitions for a moment and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.

 _Carpe diem_ , Kyle thought wildly. _Seize the motherfucking day._

They've been cracking for weeks. Splintering away, like rotten wood eaten away by termites.

"Goddamnit. God-fucking-damn it." Kyle runs a hand through his hand furiously. "You promised me. You _promised_ me this wouldn't happen again."

He spins around to face Jimmy who is sulking, and not meeting his eyes. Like a _child._

Kyle has to stop himself from taking Jimmy's shoulders and just shaking them, trying to force him to see sense.

He can't stop himself from shouting, though. "Why would you do this to me? Do you know how hard it's been to- to try and help you? Fix you? And this musical, we- _I_ worked so damn hard on, you would pull it all down because- because of how fucking selfish you are!"

Kyle takes a shaky breath, trying to calm himself down.

Jimmy lifts his head slowly, eyes blazing. "Oh, so you wanna talk about how hard it's been? How selfish I am? What about how hard it's been having a best friend that's so in love with me it's like dragging around a lovesick puppy?"

The words hit like a punch in the gut. Kyle blinks quickly, shaking his head. "I-"

Jimmy sneers derisively. "You what? Don't even try to deny it."

And, oh, how it aches. Jimmy has been cruel before, but never like this. They never aimed to cut deep, and this-

It hurt too much to bear. Kyle squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head again. All the words he has left have fallen into the hollow in his chest, and he can't bring himself to find them.

He just stays like that until he hears the door open and shut. He thinks he might hear a whispered, remorseful apology as it creaks closed, but it was probably just wishful thinking.

Kyle isn't surprised when it happens. He isn't surprised when an angry, bitter (and drunk) Jimmy climbs onto the bar to shout angry, bitter accusations at him and Karen. And he isn't surprised when Jimmy, losing control, finds a way to tear at the thing that hurts the most.

"Well, yes. But only one of them is _in_ love with me," Jimmy jabs an angry thumb at Kyle, laughing without mirth. "And it is _not_ the one I wanted."

There it is again. The blatant, naked truth. That Jimmy will never love Kyle the way he loves him. And maybe that he never loved him at all.

Enough.

He has fought for this boy, bled for him, cried over him, and Kyle has had _enough_. No more.

He walks down the dark street and strengthens his resolve under the dim glow of the streetlights. An old Jeff Buckley song comes to him and he closes his eyes.

 _Just hear this and then I'll go, you gave me more to live for than you'll ever know._

Fitting, for the beginning of the end. Kyle turns the street corner, walking faster.

 _It's over, oooh._

And just like in the beginning, the lights are blinding. He never sees them coming.


End file.
